The Book I Never Wanted to Write

“It’s almost done!” he said. “Are you excited?!”

Me: (Silence).

The “he” of this super short story is actually not one of my children. He is a bestselling Christian author, Jonathon M. Seidl, and since May of 2023, I’ve been working with Seidl and his company, The Veritas Creative, on self-publishing my book. In that moment, I think my silence said more than any words could have. Perhaps I should have answered Seidl’s question how my three-year-old likes to respond to yes-or-no questions:

For example, I’ll ask Cole, “Are you hungry?” 

“Yes, I’m not,” he replies.

“Okay… Cool.”

Or, “Cole, are you tired?”

“No, I am!” he exclaims. He’s so fun.

Maybe, though, just maybe, Cole’s contradictory answers are perfectly mine. Because the truth is, that simple question, “are you excited?” produces such a loaded response within me that my heart stirs with an overflowing mix of complicated emotions. Yes, I’m not. And no, I am!

Please, allow me to explain…

My book, which is about to be available for you and anyone else who desires to read it, is officially titled Desert Vineyards: A Story of Bulimia, Adultery, and Infertility Redeemed by Truth. As I scrolled back through my blog posts this week, I realized I never even announced that. I’ve mentioned my book. I’ve referred to it. But it’s not as if I’ve been shouting from the rooftops about it.

Maybe that seems odd to you. That’s fair. Why write a book and not hardly talk about it? Why not shout about it from the rooftops? Why not try to sell it to everyone? Well, partly, because that’s just not my personality. But mostly, because I never wanted to write this book.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against writing. Growing up, writing was easy. It came natural to me, and at one point in my 20s, I pursued children literature courses, as the idea of writing and illustrating my own children’s books had always intrigued me. Obviously, what I have written now is not a children’s book. It’s a book that exposes my ugliest sins and my darkest days. The topics are not for children; they can be difficult for even adults to read. And they’re not merely “topics to be discussed” or hypothetical stories. No, it is my story. The reason I can speak to these topics is because I personally know them. I’ve lived them, I’ve survived them, and I’ve seen what God can do when we surrender them to Him, to Jesus – to Truth. This book does not rhyme. There are no whimsical illustrations. It’s just my raw heart on a platter.

So, let me ask you: Would you be excited? If, for over two years, you had spent countless hours writing and rewriting the most vulnerable pieces of your life, articulating memories of your past, and praying and crying through it all until you had successfully turned those tender moments, life-altering lessons, and unforgettable heartache into a cohesively written piece, if you had done nothing less than bare your soul, and now, within a matter of weeks, it would be available for everyone to read, would you be excited?

Let me tell you what you’d be excited about: that you were done. You can chuckle at that. I hope you did, because I certainly do. But it’s true. I’m so glad, so relieved, that I am done. It is finished.

For more than a decade, God told me to tell my story. Over and over, His voice within me was as crystal clear as if I had audibly heard it. “Write it, Sarah. Write it.” While I didn’t flat out tell God, “No,” I basically came up with every reason not to. (More on that story in my book.) By late summer of 2021, though, I got to a place where I’d just had enough of my own disobedience. Frankly, I was sick of ignoring the Holy Spirit. I had started and stopped writing this book several times, writing pieces of my story over the years, although never to the extent of what I knew I needed to. I finally become weary of not listening to the One who doesn’t owe me anything, yet has given me everything holy and good, the One I owe my life to. So, I got serious about writing the book. I got serious about finishing it. I got serious about my obedience.

No doubt, it takes a level of humility, of daily laying down one’s pride, to write what I wrote. And yet, not wanting to write this book was never about shame. I am not ashamed of my past. I know who I am in Christ. And He and I are good. We’re solid. Also, JP and I have always been open and willing to share with others what we’ve been through – what God has done in our lives. Therefore, it’s not like I’ve been hiding in the shadows or holding in some big secret. With that said, I am a fairly quiet and reserved person until I get to know someone. And yet, I am an open book. Ask me anything; I’ll answer you, fully and honestly, to the best of my ability. But I just knew, I knew writing this book was going to be extremely difficult. It would be a sacrifice. And still, somehow, it turned out to be even more brutal than I thought.

Writing the first version of the book was not exactly a walk in the park. Because like most peoples’ stories, my book isn’t only about me. It’s not just me on an island with Jesus. There are others, of course, family and friends who are a part of my story. How will writing this book affect them? I worried about that a lot. Their responses weighed heavy on my heart. Thankfully, JP was my biggest fan and greatest support. Him and a few close friends continually motivated me to keep writing. The past 10 months, however, of turning my original manuscript into its final version took more of a toll on me – and JP – than I could’ve ever imagined. Far more than I expected. Being radically vulnerable, completely transparent, and not holding anything back with someone in person, one-on-one, is one thing – a hard task. Doing it on paper for people I know, and for people I don’t, is quite another. “Hard” doesn’t even come close to describing the weight I feel of owning all my words. Every last word I’ve written, once they’re published, I can’t take them back. And I’m okay with that. Honestly, I am. It’s just a lot, that’s all.

BUT, let me tell you why I am excited – beyond excited – not just for the book to be done, but for you to read it. And as you will see, my excitement is vastly intertwined with gratitude. I am so grateful that one of my dearest and closest friends from high school was also great friends with Seidl in college and that, ultimately, God orchestrated the ins-and-outs and timing of us working together. Seidl has believed in my writing and this project from the start. He gave me the feedback, edits, constructive criticism, and encouragement I needed to take my original manuscript and improve upon it, to truly finish what I’d started, and to create the final product that will rest in your hands. Moreover, I am extremely honored and excited that Seidl was willing to write the foreword for my book. It’s amazing! I can’t wait for you to read it.

I am proud of Desert Vineyards. I am proud of what I’ve accomplished. It is incredible – but not because of me. It is God’s grace, God’s redemption, and God’s faithfulness that make my story incredible. I am excited to see what God does with it. He gave me everything I needed to write it. All the strength, perseverance, and faith required has come from Him (again, extremely thankful), and now, I am excited to watch what happens. I’m excited for God to use it. I know He will. You will be challenged, inspired, convicted, and encouraged to seek Jesus and live in the freedom of His truth. You will grow deeper in your faith, if you’re willing. I believe that and say it with confidence because that’s precisely what God has already done in the lives of those who read my book, even in its earliest form, as I was writing it. Jesus is on every page. You can hear His voice, taste His goodness, and see His glory. That, my friend, that is what I am excited about!

So, while it feels odd to be excited about the book that I never really wanted to write in the first place, the book that was terribly painful to complete, I am excited and hopeful for the miraculous and powerful things God can do with it. I am thrilled to proclaim the goodness of our God. And for that reason alone, I pray for millions to read it.

I will hope continually,

And will praise You yet more and more.

My mouth shall tell of Your righteousness

And your salvation all the day.

For I do not know their limits.

I will go in the strength of the Lord God;

I will make mention of Your righteousness, of Yours only.

Psalm 71:14-16